Don’t get me wrong, i love my independence and my single life (which i could save for another post), which i do happen to boast about (maybe TOO much), but that’s not going to change (til i’m 25 maybe). Although, after over-thinking, over-analyzing, and the ohmygod-i’m-STILL-single-really-are-you-serious-really-or-maybe-i-just-watched-the-vow-why-God-why-made-me-want-to-scarf-down-cake-and-a-box-of-chocolates-right-after-annual-valentine-blues, here’s what i realized:

This may be just me, but i realized that at EVERY opportunity i get, i tend to force my brain and my heart into thinking.. could this be HIM? And then right on cue, i start to write our potential love story, and start projecting on him who i want my boyfriend to be and then i try to manipulate him, change him and flirt with him. (ok. i am not that crazy. of course, this all goes on ONLY IN MY HEAD)

Then in the middle, after all the infatuation, the half-hidden smiles that you try to conceal, the stories and the updates you tell your friends, and all the “moments” i documented (journals, screencaps, you know, the works haha), reality sets in. When the consistency starts to creep in and the familiarity and the getting-used-to, after all the wondering and the guessing, or what most may call, the chase, or in my case when i find out that the person does like me, i’m over it (that just made me sound like a complete bitch) and i realize that we’re actually better off as friends (okay, on second thought, maybe that sounds bitchier). Because i look at them, and then i look at us and think, something’s not right here. Something’s off.

I guess, the problem is that i’m so eager and excited to have what other people have, that I want it too. I want to have what i see, what i hear and what i read about and i want it NOW. I want it so bad (but only when an opportunity comes along mind you), that i immediately go from “i don’t give a damn”, and jumping into “so this is what i’ve been missing”. But what i’ve come to realize in every situation, is that after all the justifications i made, i realize that IT wasn’t IT.

Every time someone bugs me about it, i tell them that i do want they have, or what other people have from time to time. But to me, it’s like listening to my friends who are raving about this cake from Cafe Whatever and they tell me all about it, how it melts in your mouth, how it tastes like a piece of heaven, and although i’m as curious and as eager as the next person, i won’t be as desperate for it. As compared to the person, who has actually had a piece of it already, but hasn’t had one in a long time.

I always end up realizing that no matter how much i force it, it doesn’t feel the way it’s supposed to feel (you may say i’m too picky, i’ll grow old and alone, i have high standards that no one can reach, PLEASE, i know for a fact that it’s NOT the case). Maybe that’s why my emotions are so fickle, it’s because all of it was forced, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t real, it’s just that.. it wasn’t IT. 

This really is just a big waiting game, and what’ll make me win in the end is patience (in the back of my head of course, i’m still LIVING my life, i won’t swivel around in a chair and wait while i bawl myself to sleep every night). I don’t mind waiting, i’ve been doing it for so long, i’ve already gotten the hang of it (don’t insert forever alone meme here). But in all honesty, i guess the difficult thing is, you have a situation where the girl is used to being single, and the problem is, you have to MAKE her want to be in a relationship. Pretty tough, i think.

Although, I do know for a fact, that when i do find it (and i’m pretty sure i haven’t met him yet) it’ll be worth it. 

P.S. If one of you does read this, i apologize. But, you already know me too well anyway, i don’t even have to explain. For future opportunities, i apologize in advance. Haha. 

P.P.S. God, why did you write me such a COMPLICATED love story? Oh well, that’s the way i like it. Please continue.. 

P.P.P.S. Watch out for “what can go right with a 21 y/o who has never been in a serious relationship”

(Source: shekinahmikeah)